Vairagya and letting go of being right

Last week in classes, I was teaching about the power of letting go of ego attachments.  One term for this in the Yoga Sutras is vairagya, which refers to letting go of our attachments to others, possessions and ideas.  The sutra suggests that when we’re “dispassionate,” as it’s often translated, or not attached, we’re free of suffering.  I had a recent experience which really brought this message home.

This past Easter, I went to visit  my niece and nephew in Oregon and found myself in a power struggle with my 9-year old nephew.   It was time to go and I was asking him to give his sister one more chance with the doggie ball-thrower, because she asked.  He said “no” and wouldn’t give it to her.  I insisted and he refused.   It was a battle of egos and we both wanted to win!    I was insistent and ended up winning, as I thought I should, because I was the adult and what I was asking for was reasonable.  I thought, “He shouldn’t be disobeying me!”  And that may be true, but he did – and fiercely.   And I didn’t want to be in the role of disciplining him, especially as his Auntie who he only sees sporadically.  But unwittingly, I took on the battle, which I deeply regretted later, especially because of his ensuing silent treatment.  Ouch, that really hurt.

The question I asked myself later was:  Is this how I want to spend my precious time with my nephew – proving I’m more powerful, proving I’m right?  The answer:  absolutely not!   The words of my wise teachers, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, came to mind:  “Would you rather be right, or would you rather have harmony?”   Harmony, of course!   And this is what the sutra about vairagya is pointing to.   Our attachments to what we want or think usually just bring more suffering, even though we may be seeking harmony.  I know with kids, it can be tricky, because there’s a balance between laying down the law with consistent follow-through,  and letting go of rigidity in the name of ease and play.  And this was a keen reminder that as Auntie, I want to weigh in on the easy-going playful side of things.  I want them to have fun with me and enjoy my company, and vice versa, even if it’s at the expense of being a consistent rule-setter.  If I’m more attached to being right and having order, that will probably affect our ability to have fun.

So this was a big lesson, and a great reminder that what I want with is harmony and joy.  And I see how this teaching applies to all adult relationships as well.  There are numerous opportunities in relating to Patrick, my family, friends, students or employees, that I can choose to let go of my position, my strong-hold on being right in favor of easeful relating.  It usually means my ego takes a beating, as I have to get humble and be willing to be wrong.  But practice has taught me, that in the end, I feel much happier in humility and harmony than in righteousness and winning.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with vairagya!