Settling into Me
I had an incredible 10 days of training in So. California with my teacher, Kathlyn Hendricks. Going in, my intentions for the training days were deepening presence, living from appreciation, and inner expansion. And that’s what I experienced every day. What I’ve been noticing overall is a greater feeling of settling into my being, into just being me; simple, present, free of drama. In talking with friends lately, I’ve been aware that I am not having much drama in my life. I don’t have big stories to share about how bad things are. I feel happy and at ease with the flow of things at home, at work, with friendships, family and Patrick. Aaaahhh…. a sigh of enjoyment. A big part of me is no longer interested in creating or entertaining drama. The more I relax and soften inside, the more ease I feel with how things are. No big complaints, not much blaming or whining.
I feel amazed at how much I’ve shifted over these last 2 years since I’ve been involved with the Hendricks’ work. I remember coming into my first training feeling very guarded, judgmental, and tense. I was scared to speak up and be seen; scared to be me. For the last 10 months or so, I’ve experienced increasing self-acceptance and openness. And I think those go together. As I’ve accepted and learned to love myself more, I’ve been more able to welcome others into my heart. I feel more present with myself and with others. And I am now choosing to turn more fully towards myself and others and give my full attention, where before I may have used the excuse of “too busy” for the fear of intimacy I experienced but didn’t recognize until recently.
Today is a perfect example of how I’m turning towards myself. I got home from our 12-hour drive from Ojai late last night and had my heart set on going to an ecstatic dance jam at 10 a.m. this morning. I got up early, excited to meditate and visit the garden, and proceeded to spend the next hour and a half gardening, Facebooking, and preparing food for my trip to town. When I finished, it was time to get out the door. I sat down and realized: I do not want to go. I want to be home alone and settle into myself with meditation, writing, yoga and a walk at the beach. I want to reconnect with me, my home and my natural rhythm of what feels in flow in each moment. I struggled with this as I love playing and exploring myself and community through dance, and I also wanted to do some bookkeeping for my business. I told myself I needed to do that today before tomorrow’s classes.
Then I wondered: Hmmmm….is there a way I can ask for help with a small business issue to avoid driving to town today? Is there a way I can take care of the business stuff tomorrow when I’m already needing to be in town? So I sent a couple texts, sorted out the details, did some letting go, and let out a big sigh of relief. I’d been creating tension around “doing” what my mind wanted me to do, when my body was on a different page. My “presencing” of me allowed me to realize what I really wanted and I chose to follow it. And now I’m celebrating how I turned towards what was fresh and real in the moment. Such a powerful practice.
