Letting Go of Expectations and Control

I had a few ideas about how I wanted the visit to go with my niece and nephew last weekend.  I wanted to have fun, to play and to make a nice connection.  I’m happy that some of these things did happen.  We explored at the beach, played with our harmonium, and watched some of my nephew’s favorite reruns.  Yet I remember feeling disappointed many times.  I’d hoped for a deeper connection with them, but the kids wanted to be on their technological devices almost all the time:  my niece on her phone and my nephew on his laptop.  She was addicted to talking with her best friend and he was consumed by computer games.  I quickly understood that this visit was not going to go as I’d planned.   I’m reminded of a wise quote from a Buddhist teacher who said,  “Whatever you think it will be, it will not be that.”  Another Buddhist teacher said, “If you don’t want to be disappointed, then don’t make any appointments.”

In the Bhagavad Gita, the wise god, Krishna, tells Arjuna, the warrior:  “The man of harmony surrenders the reward of his work and thus attains final peace:  The man of disharmony…… is attached to his reward and remains in bondage.”  So Krishna is telling Arjuna the key for avoiding suffering and attaining peace:  release any attachments to the rewards of your efforts.  I think of this as releasing expectations of how you think it should be.

I consider this teaching invaluable.  Although we don’t always realize it, we have absolutely no control over the outcome of our actions.  We may effort, plan and plead, and yet we still may not get what we want:  we may labor over an elaborate family dinner that no one likes;  we may eat low calorie foods and increase our exercise and still not loose weight; we may get an esteemed college degree and not be able to find a job; or we may cast our vote and not see our candidate elected.  Life gives us multiple opportunities to discover that we are not in charge of what happens, even when we plan and take all the appropriate actions.

So what should we do?   I like to take Krishna’s advice.  I like to act in the world as skillfully and earnestly as I can towards my goals or a common goal.  Then along the way, I tune into what is actually happening and I say to myself, “this is how it is right now.”  I let go of trying to control the outcome of my actions and accept the moment.  I may not like it, it may not be what I planned for or expected, but I accept what is happening.  I’ve learned from my teachers, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks that I’m only in control of my own choices and actions, nothing more.  I find this very humbling and profoundly useful.  When I’m trying to control others or the world, I’m contracting and resisting the moment.  When I accept with what is happening, right now, then I soften and fee more at ease.  From there,  I can more easily choose how I want to respond.  Do I take a new action or relax into what is?  Or both?   I practiced this during my family’s visit.  When the kids weren’t interested in hanging out the way I had envisioned, instead of complaining or pushing them to change, I either turned my attention elsewhere or got on board with how they wanted to spend time – on screens.  In fact, the most connected I felt with my niece was when I engaged her about friends and Instagram and got her help in setting up an account!   I am grateful that I found a way to meet her on her turf.  It was my releasing attachment to “how it should be” that helped me to relax and accept reality and then make a new choice.

Taking this practice to the yoga mat is great preparation for daily life.  In each pose, strive to create the best alignment you can.  When you get there, say the mantra, “this is how it is right now.”  Then take a moment to notice what happens in your breathing and how your body feels as you let go of controlling and accept the moment.  See if you can stay in this place of acceptance for a a little longer (as long as you’re not in pain).   From there, you can decide what’s next:  do you want to stay and enjoy it more, back off, deepen, soften, adjust your breath, or come out?   Krishna’s wisdom holds even today:  taking skillful action and letting go of any attachment to the fruits of your actions, on and off the mat, will help you enjoy less “bondage” and greater peace.  Give it a try and let me know how it goes!