Becoming Undefended and Connected

Recently, in a communication with my Hendricks buddies over an issue I was having, a friend said, “I appreciate your wide open undefended curiosity.”  I took this as a huge compliment from somebody who’s known me from the beginning of my Hendricks journey, when I was very defended and scared.  In fact, one of the main reasons I entered into the Hendricks program was to learn to break down some of the invisible barriers I’d put up that kept me from feeling close to others.  I was ready to take the risk of opening and being truly seen, even if it hurt.  And so I took a breath and did it, again and again.  I shared my worries, my neuroses, my struggles, my judgments, my ignorance, my smallness.  I was constantly afraid of getting judged and rejected.   But I strongly believed that letting others truly see me, even all my “ugly” parts, was the right path to being close and creating the connections I was craving, so I kept going.

Becoming undefended is a huge reward of the yogic path and although I know I have much further to go,  I’m already reaping many benefits.  I now feel more relaxed and easy in my being than I ever have.  I feel open, more able to be present with others, and more connected to those I’m close with.   In addition to letting go of trying to control what others think of me by sharing more intimately,  I also allowed myself to receive support, especially when I felt small and scared, and I surrendered the need to be right.  During meditation, I practiced getting fully present, embracing all of my experiences, disidentifying with my thoughts and self-concepts, and rooting into my Essence Nature (that deep sense of who I really am underneath my defenses).  I continue to practice this as “old habits die hard!”

The teachings of yogic psychology tell us that our ego/personality, or “small self,” is the superficial part of us that we generally identify with.  It builds its value from things like what people think of us and how much recognition we receive for being smart, funny, cute, powerful, wealthy, industrious, creative, sexy, etc.  The problem is that we deeply identify with this ever-changing “small self” when it’s not who we really are at the core.  But we keep it up in order to avoid rejection and a profound feeling of loss and aloneness that we believe will occur if we reveal our true feelings.  So although holding it up seems like an act of self-preservation and a way to keep people liking us, it actually takes a lot of effort and defensiveness.  Ironically, it creates a barrier to the deeper connections we may ultimately be longing for.  This was certainly true for me.  When I let people see the real me, they actually appreciated me and wanted to be closer.  The more I held people at arm’s length, the less they felt close to me and the more distance I created.  So revealing myself brought intimacy.  It was that simple.

Fortunately, yoga reminds us, our ego/personality is merely a covering over our true Self, or Essence Nature, and this Essence is unchanging, peaceful and unperturbed by what’s happening on the surface of life.  I’m reminded of this quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s, The Little Prince, “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”  So the yogic path to becoming relaxed and undefended is to pierce through these ego coverings and learn to take root in our Essence Nature.  Revealing your thoughts and struggles is one way to begin this process.

I’m not suggesting that you tell everyone about all your deepest issues.  Choose friends who you are most drawn to connect with, who seem open and emotionally available, and take your time to develop trust.   You’ll soon discover that those who are interested in meeting you where you are will stick around, and those who aren’t will not.   And that’s perfect.  You can differentiate between those who only want to meet you on the surface and those who want to dive in deeper with you.  (And of course, it goes both ways.  There are people you are not interested in diving in with either).   It may hurt to feel the rejection of those who don’t want to go deep, but what I found is that I could accentuate my suffering by focusing my attention on what I wasn’t getting from certain people.  Or, I could choose to focus my attention on what I wanted to create and what I was already enjoying creating with others, which is a lot more fun.  It’s a big waste of energy to try to change people’s minds or try to make them like you.  And when we focus our attention on where we’re feeling truly “met,” we’re more in alignment with our Essence.  I continue to practice and learn from this lesson, and my life is enriched by it.  

May your journey be one of opening into greater and greater ease and joy.  And may all beings benefit!