Growing Positive Experiences
When things seem to be out of our control or upsetting, it’s natural to focus our attention there and lose sight of the bigger picture. When we focus on what’s not working, we tend to make it bigger in our minds, creating more fear which feels like contraction in the body and can lead to feeling depressed. I’ve seen it in myself quite a bit. I remember in my 20’s and 30’s, when my parents would ask me how I’m doing. I’d tell them all my challenges, all that was hard. I wanted their sympathy, but I wasn’t painting the full picture. I see it often in clients as well. When I ask their dream or about what they most want, they tend to tell me about what they don’t want or why they can’t have what they want. Perhaps focusing on what we want is scary or too indulgent. But I also think we train ourselves to focus on the negative by practicing it. And in neuroscience, they have proven that our brains developed to put more attention on the negative. They call it the Negativity Bias. It’s how we’re wired to survive starvation or that saber-toothed tiger. Even though survival is not an issue for most of us now, we still have this negative wiring.
As neuroscience tells us “what you put your attention on grows.” This points to the fact that we can literally grow new neural pathways (connections of neurons = brain cells) for positive thinking and good feeling. So our brain can make and then more consistently take new pathways that create positive experiences. It’s like taking a new path up the mountain. First you have to create the new path, then you have to take it so often that it becomes the main path, the more well-worn groove. The more you wear in that (neural) path, the more likely you are to take it in the future- automatically. So how do we make a new nerual pathway to counteract all the negative thinking? There’s a couple ways.
1 – Start NOTICING THE GOOD stuff in your life. Put your attention on what IS working, what you DO enjoy and what you Appreciate. It may take practice if you’ve been training yourself to criticize and complain about all you Don’t like. But you Can do it! Just commit to thinking of 5 things you appreciate about your life each day. There’s always something good to focus on if you tun into it; Like the beauty of the new flowers, the nurturing of the rain, the love of family, the silliness of your favorite comic.
2 – EXPAND IT: When you are feeling good – from doing the above or from something spontaneous that happened, then the trick is to really allow yourself to enjoy that moment. This is giving your brain a chance to wear in that new path. How do you do that? Here’s a few ways and I recommend you do them all. It may take just about 60 seconds:
a) Get present: Take a breath and get super present with the fact that “this is a good moment.”
b) Feel it: See if you can feel the positive energy in your body. Is it a tingling in your chest, an expansion into your shoulders, a smile across your face, a lightness in your step?
c) Link it: notice what exactly created the good feeling. The weather, the interaction, the taste?
d) Share it: tell someone or write it down. But sharing the moment either in that very moment acknowledging to your neighbor or friend, “this is cool” or “I feel amazing!” Or a high-five, etc. Or if you had the experience alone, then be sure to share about it later. This expand the good feeling over time and again, help your brain to affirm that new pathway.
So if you want to feel bad and focus on the negative, no problem, keep focusing on all the problems in your life or in the world.* But if you want to start changing your attitude and being able to enjoy the good stuff, even in challenging times, then try these practices. And let me know how it goes!
* And I’m not suggesting a Pollyanna approach of ignoring what’s not working or what’s hard. But I’m suggesting that we can balance the difficult moments with a broader perspective that there’s also plenty of goodness to enjoy as well.
Namasté,
Robyn
